Epicene article
A monologue from the enjoy by Bill Jonson
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TAKE NOTE: This monologue is reprinted from Epicene(1605).
TRUEWIT: Ill let you know, sir, the monstrous dangers you shall run having a wifefor your friends are very careful after the souls into the would have you understand the danger, however, you may carry out your enjoyment for all of all of them. If, once you are hitched, your wife perform run away which has a vaulter, or the Frenchman that walks after ropes, or him that dances the jig, or possibly a fencer for his skill at his weapon, for what reason, it is not their particular fault, they have discharged their consciences, as you know what may happen. If your woman be fair, young, and vegetous, simply no sweetmeats at any time drew even more flies, every one of the yellow doublets and wonderful roses i actually the town will probably be there. In the event that foul and crooked, covering be with these people, and buy individuals doublets and roses, friend. If wealthy, and you get married to her dowry, not her, shell reign in your house since imperious being a widow. If noble, most her kindred will be your tyrants. If productive, as pleased as Might and hilarious as The spring, she must have her doctors, her midwives, her nursing staff, her longings every hour, though it be intended for the closest morsel of man. If perhaps learned, there was clearly never this sort of a bird, all your patrimony will be inadequate for the guests that must be asked to hear her speak Latina and Greek, and you must lie with her in those different languages too, should you will please her. You begin to sweat, sirbut this may not be half, i faith! You could do your pleasure, despite, as I said prior to, but if you like your wife, or rather, dote on her, sir, Um how covering torture you, and enjoy i your torments! You shall sit with her, but it must always be with this jewel, or that pearlevery half-hours satisfaction must be bought anew, and with the same pain and charge you wooed her at first. Then you definitely must keep what servants the girl please, what company she is going to, that good friend must not visit you devoid of her license, and him she loves most, she’ll seem to hate eagerliest, to decline your jealousy, or feign to get jealous of you first, and then for that cause go live with her friend, or relation at the School, that can instruct her in all the mysteries of writing letters, corrupting maids, taming agents, where the lady must have that rich wedding dress for this sort of a great working day, a new one for, a more potent for another, be dished up in silver, have the step filled with a succession of grooms, footmen, ushers, and also other messengers, besides embroiderers, jewellers, tire-women, sempsters, feather-men, perfumers, be a stateswoman, know every one of the news, the thing that was done at Salisbury, what at the Bathtub, what at court, what in progress, after which her going into disguise to this conjurer, in which the first question is just how soon you shall die? next, in the event that her present servant appreciate her? following, what priority she shall have by simply her subsequent match? and sets over the answers, and believes na above the scriptures. Nay, maybe shell examine the art. Yes, friend, and then come reeking house of fumes and sweating God end up being w you, sir. One particular thine even more, which I got almost did not remember. This too, with which you should be marry, might have made a conveyance of her virginity aforehand, as your wise widows do with their states, ahead of they get married to, in trust to some friend, sir. Who can tell? Or if the girl have not completed it however, she may do, upon the wedding working day, or the night before, and antedate you cuckold. The like have been heard of in nature. Tis no created, impossible point, sir. The almighty be t you. Ill be striking to leave this string with you, friend, for a memories. Farewell!
